Reflexo

Aching head, empty heart

2011-12-29T20:42:00.001-08:00

I have been trying really hard to be happy with what it is but the world seems to be fighting against me. I know it could be worse and I know that it is worse for many people out there. I put a lot of efforts into making things better but it didn't get any better. I gave my time, it took away my pleasure. I gave my commitment, it took away every possible reward. I gave up of a lot of things because I had to and that was it. I was pulled into a pool of fear and I saw everyone underwater, struggling to get out and breathe for a brief moment. It was not easy on anyone, I know, but it sucked the last drop of innocence and ability to trust that was left in me. I've become bitter.

Problems won't knock me down, but gosh, I wish I didn't have this weight over my back. It's not my fault and I'm tired of having to deal with problems that shouldn't be mine in the first place. Sometimes I look around and I wish things were easier on me. It's just that I have been trying so hard and I don't want anything to get in the way, it's frustrating... I'm tired to worry so much but I don't have a choice. It's right there and I have to take care of those who matter the most, and I would never do any different, even though it kills me that I have to give up on my dreams in order to stay around. It's my youth I'm talking about and the thought of wasting one single year depresses me. It shouldn't be happening, I was supposed to feel free instead. I should not be feeling so... empty. I just hope it's here for a reason and that things will only get better because I still can't believe I have been dragged into this mess.

She never gave up

2011-12-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

Some people give up on life
but she never did
she had too much to hold on to
but still, she is gone now

it's not that she was weak (she never was)
she fought while she had the strength to fight
and she smiled while her weak body still let her smile
it was a tough battle after all
and I guess one can only resist for so long

Why do I care?

2011-11-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

I can't help but wonder
why do I care so much?
why do I even care?
how come I didn't forget?

...will I ever let go?
(do I want to let go?)

We need more time

2011-10-02T21:47:00.000-07:00

We see our beloved one dying right before our eyes, but still, we don't wanna believe it. We keep denying the obvious. Doctors say she doesn't have time. We all know that. We have done everything, there's nothing else we can do. Our hands are tied. We wanna make her happy, but how do we do that if we can only pretend everything is fine for so long. There comes a time when the truth hits you. And it's right here, but we don't wanna face it, facing the truth is just too hard.

É melhor me ter pra mim

2011-08-22T18:06:00.000-07:00

Se for pra viver um amor
Sem sabor, sem emoção
namoro sem paixão
sexo sem tesão
eu nem vou me dar ao trabalho
de gastar meu tempo caro
de cansar a minha beleza
e investir cada retalho
que me sobra de espaço
para ser o que eu quiser

I'm not changing my name

2011-08-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard for people to understand that I don't want to, I don't need to and most of all, I don't have to?

I'm exhausted

2011-05-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I'm just tired of having to take care of you when it really should be the other way around. You are so selfish that you don't even notice what you're doing to me. I feel so freaking screwed up from having all these responsibilities over my back, so having to worry about your sanity, on the top of everything, is just a lot to take. You are perfectly sane, so why are you trying so hard not to be? Why do you need so much attention all the time? Why do you have to make so much drama for every single thing? I feel so bad for wanting to avoid you. For loving you so much. I feel awful for feeling this way about you, but I can't help it. I hate that you are naive, I hate that you never think about consequences, I hate that you trust people you shouldn't trust and never hear the ones you should hear. I hate that you behave like a child most of the time. I hate that you dragged me into this mess. Stop acting like I'm mean to you, you are not the victim here, I'm the victim here. Gosh, your weakness drives me crazy! And I have to act like nothing is going on because you keep threatening me and I can't stand your drama. You're ruining me, can't you see? It's your fault that I can't trust you. I wish I could trust you and rely on you. But I can't because I know you will let me down again. See, sometimes this unconditional love deal is just way too exhausting. Please, don't let me down again.

Allure

2011-04-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

We've been together very few times, and it amazes me how I can see you perfectly with closed eyes. I can see you anywhere and in any way, and I wish I didn't wish you were here. I have so many reasons to quit thinking of you, to not like you at all. And still, I can't help it. You have this strange power of making me chill from head to toes, and you don't even know it. You don't know how you mesmerize me. I know you mean to, but you don't know you do. It's all your fault. It's the way you look alluring in suit, and the way I love men in suit. It's how charming you are when you speak to me, it's your intelligence while talking about work and life. You are all I long for and still I am not sure about you, even though we know exactly what we wanna do. I don't understand why you make me like you, why you keep rounding me for no reason. You know exactly how to have me, and I know it's not the easiest decision in the world. I wish I could tell you. I wish I could hear why, why you keep driving me crazy. And now that you no longer call me, I realize I've got everything from you, but I don't know anything about you. I find myself googling your name, which is humiliating... but I can't seem to help it. You belong to the world and so do I, or at least that's what I want to. But right now, all I want is you.

2010 - What a crappy year

2011-01-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

2010 was the year that taught me - in the hard way - to never take life for granted. It was all about losses, lessons and tears. No overachievements, except for keeping myself sane and smiling after a breakdown. Oh yeah, it wasn't all bad, I've got the job I like, I've also graduated with an A+ this year. Really worked my ass off to get this. But whatever... right? I mean, where's my grandmother? And what's happening to my best friends' mothers? And why is my aunt so freaking sick? Why is my family so sad?

At the end of the day, they are all that matter.
And it's all out of your control. And all that I hear is that It's God's freaking will. Seriously???

You know that energy thing? Like... if it's all bad from the beginning, it's gonna be bad all the way through? So I'm trying to start it out right this year... I did manage to release myself and it feels so great. You should all do the same at some point, whenever you need.

I am really hoping for a happy new year.

Ainda dói

2010-11-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

Às vezes eu ainda posso sentí-la. A textura da sua pele, o beijo macio. Saudades imensas da minha nona.

.

2010-08-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

Spent hours distracting myself to release my mind from sad thoughts... at the end of the day, nothing helps. I put so much effort into feeling ok only to find out that it's not ok. The day was fine, though nights are never fine. I can't be left alone with my own thoughts. But how do you do that? How do you get rid of your thoughts when you can't think of anything other than not thinking of what you don't want to think? At the end of the day, it's not ok. I'm not ok and life is not ok. And the worst is that it is not a bad dream. I can't wake up from this. But I can sleep.

You are not there for me

2010-08-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

You said so many times that you would be there for me. I remember you telling me that you'd always be there when I needed. But I needed you yesterday and you weren't there. I need you right now. I need you so many times, you have no clue. I need to hear your words, your thoughts. I need you to tease me like you used to. I need you to love me like you did before. But it's now so clear that you are no longer willing to be there for me, because you are never there when I need you. You are not there when I have good news to share, and you are not there when something makes me sad. You don't send me birthday wishes, you don't show that you care. You just don't care and I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of missing you too much, of crying my heart out when you hardly deserve. You lied to me and now you seem so very selfish. I quit.

She's gone

2010-07-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

And I did try to find the good side
but I think there's none
and I have nothing to rely on

Eclipse

2010-05-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

I rarely get too sensitive. It's like... once in a lifetime. You know when people are always way too strong and they reach a point in which they can't stand being strong anymore? I just feel all this weight over my back and I just want to get rid of it somehow. It's like, life wasn't supposed to be this hard. Too many responsibilities, so little time to deal with them all. I want to get rid of it, only for tonight.

So, today is one of those rare days... an eclipse, my eclipse. It's your opportunity if you don't like me, if you want to see the weak me. Tell me mean things right now and I'll cry my eyeballs out.

The monster has been awaken

2010-05-16T09:43:00.001-07:00

I had monsters in my childhood that I shouldn't have had to deal with. I was only a child, it was too much for me to understand, for me to bear. But I had to. I was wounded, humiliated, but got a chance to heal when it seemed to be over. Of course, there will always be scars...

I was just a little girl keeping secrets from everyone because I didn't want to embarrass myself or my family. I cried for things I wasn't even supposed to understand at such an early age. I hid, so many times I just hid. I was under so much pressure and the person who was causing me so much damage never really noticed that. Never quit loving me, I'm sure, but never apologized or anything.

Well, I grew up stronger, more mature, skipping stuff that were normal for teenagers and were just way too silly to me. I made up my mind about what I wanted to be in life, and I wanted to be by myself. I wanted to be free and independent, which surely led me to my commitment issues. And just when I thought I was getting over what I've been through, had assured myself that all the bad things would stay asleep in the past... I saw it wide awake, right in front of me. And now that I'm old enough to run away - because I've seen it, and dealt with it, and my experience forces me to know exactly what is happening and reminds me that I can't help it -, I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have to suffer from something that is not my fault, that took away so much from me when I couldn't do anything. That got me so ashamed for just belonging there. But how do you cut that thread that keeps you together? I was so young when I learned to pretend that nothing wrong was going on. I was so good at it that everyone thought I was oblivious, that it was doing nothing to me. Except that it did so much sometimes I think I'm screwed. No matter how much I try to open their eyes, they'll never see. They'll never understand. They don't see the consequences unless it's right there. And I know there are gonna be many, and I know that will disturb everyone's life... and heads... and hearts. I swear I'm not easily breakable, but sometimes you just get tired of fighting against the very same thing. It's so hard to foresee bad things when you are not able to stop it. It's not up to me. It never was.

.

2010-04-19T19:35:00.001-07:00

At some point you realize that when someone is fading away from your life, maybe it's better to let go. It's better than fighting alone. Of course, letting go isn't quite as easy as it sounds.

Ninguém falou em casamento.

2010-03-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

Segundo o poeta cubano José Martí, para tirar o máximo da sua vida, o ser humano deve plantar uma árvore, ter um filho e escrever o livro. "Un hombre, (o una mujer, añadiría yo) para ser completo, ha de plantar un árbol, tener un hijo y escribir un libro", declarou ele. Essa é a tríade para uma vida completa, para que a sua missão seja cumprida. São essas ações que deixarão uma herança sua na terra, que guardarão um pouco de você para o futuro.

Limbo

2010-03-30T20:22:00.001-07:00

Eu sempre dei tudo de mim nas coisas que me envolvi por vontade própria. A maioria delas renderam retorno de curto e longo prazo. O problema é que eu sempre fui além. Além de dar tudo, eu dei mais. Mais amor, mais trabalho, mais ajuda, mais compreensão. Eu passei dos limites. As pessoas não fazem muito esforço para reconhecer isso e, mesmo quando reconhecem, não vão lembrar por muito tempo. Afinal, aquilo não era a sua obrigação. Ninguém te pediu para trabalhar extra, para ajudar, para amar demais. Você não pode esperar sempre algo em troca. Nos meus poucos anos de trabalho, aprendi duas coisas que vou levar pra vida inteira. Uma delas é que a complacência é um monstro que você cria. Você se deixa levar, até não poder mais, até que a sua mente esteja cansada e as suas energias, exauridas. E quando você parar, as pessoas vão notar e reclamar, reclamar por uma coisa que nunca deveria ter existido. Ficarão decepcionadas. Você ficará decepcionado. A outra coisa é que você nunca pode pensar que é insubstituível. Quando ouvir isso, sorria, pois, na maioria das vezes, esta é uma declaração sincera. As pessoas que dizem isso também não sabem que você é, sim, substituível. Mas é. Contudo, isso vai te soar como traição. Você ouviu tantas vezes que nunca haveria alguém igual a você que, quando souber que já não faz mais tanta falta, se sentirá ferido. Não existirão mais declarações para amenizar a sua dor. É hora de ir pra frente, de sair do limbo. E, prepare-se, pois essa será a parte mais difícil.

Sua vida não é só sua.

2010-03-26T19:00:00.001-07:00

"A vida é minha e eu faço dela o que eu quiser". Presunção de muitos, não é assim que funciona. Sua vida não é só sua, ela também pertence a cada pessoa que te ama. Seus pais, seu amor, seus filhos, seus entes queridos. Seus amigos. Todos são um pouco donos da sua vida e você é responsável pelo potencial sofrimento de cada um deles... porque são eles que vão sofrer se te perderem um dia. Por isso, não seja egoísta. Cuide bem da sua vida enquanto está forte que eles farão o mesmo quando ela estiver por um fio.

Takes two

2010-03-19T11:49:00.000-07:00

My favorite part is when both hearts are as close as can be, beating to its fastest. Beating so hard that we are able to feel it in every single part of our bodies. I love that little moment... when I can hardly tell his heartbeat from mine.

Interrupção

2010-03-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

Seu corpo é seu único bem intransferível. E você é a única pessoa que pode tomar decisões sobre ele. É a mulher quem tem que decidir se vai continuar a gerar ou não um embrião. Toda mulher deve ter o direito de optar pelo aborto até a décima semana de gestação.

This is wrong in so many levels...

2010-01-23T17:30:00.000-08:00

Not only would I like to have French for dinner, but I also want to have French for dessert... AND supper. oh, definitely supper.

So much missing

2010-01-23T15:48:00.001-08:00

People ask me what was wrong and what was missing. I can't tell them, sometimes I can't be too sincere. I can't tell them that he didn't drive me crazy, he didn't make me forget the world, he didn't give me the goosebumps. Although there was so much to feel, I couldn't feel anything. That's what I didn't tell them. Don't get me wrong, he is the dearest guy, used to be the most amazing friend before I messed it up. So great as a friend, so not my type for a boyriend... His jokes, his routine... so different than mine... Unfortunately, we are not in the same place right now. I'm somewhere further, I've grown faster, I left the guys my age behind, and so, for being my age, he was just not where I needed him to be. I couldn't keep on.

.

2010-01-18T17:07:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda glad to hear that he's already moving on. Was I supposed to be jealous? I guess I'm not, maybe I was just not that into him after all. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wasn't that into him at all. I feel free.

Pain and relief

2010-01-15T12:28:00.001-08:00

I swear I was losing it. I didn't know for sure how to go on living. But now, I'm just as happy as can be. Maybe that's the reason why life startles you sometimes, manages to make you feel like it couldn't get any worse... it's for you to value what really matters. And at the end of the day, having a healthy family is indeed what matters the most. Because you know you'd give anything for them to be healthy and happy.

heart beating

2010-01-12T11:36:00.000-08:00

What if the person you love the most gets really sick? Then what do you do?

Regret

2010-01-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

I put myself into this mess. Done it too soon, gone too far... Now I just have to find a way to get out of this thing without hurting anyone... and I can't seem to have the strength... Not sure if I can be that mean. Romantic guys do really bother me. I'm not romantic, I don't go along with romantic, romantic isn't alluring. He is the sweetest, coolest guy friend I've ever had but...this thing that we are doing...it will never work.

.

2010-01-09T20:51:00.000-08:00

I've got him and he is crazy about me. And he is the right one, he is the nice guy. So why do I feel like crying, where's the thrill, the butterflies in my stomach? That's not how it's supposed to be, right?

Commitment phobia

2010-01-05T15:52:00.000-08:00

It's funny how the simple thought of commitment irritates me. It drives me nuts, it makes me sick. I feel trapped in chains. Phone calls turn into handcuffs, the phobia for not having enough time for myself becomes almost unbearable. I enjoy alone time, like when I am driving my car unaccompanied... it suddenly turns into my favorite moment of the day. It's just that all my life I've been struggling to be released, to be free... to belong to myself and no one else. So why do I let myself commit? Because I also like him, I like having him by my side, I like holding him. I love having somewhere to run away to. Maybe I'm selfish, I wanna do things my way. I don't like when he shows up without previous notice, I don't want to talk all the time, I won't give him my passwords, I refuse to let him in and I can't seem to be romantic enough. I also hate when I have to introduce my new boyfriend to people, it's just boring. I don't like the beginning, the getting to know each other, the idea of a new romance. I like intimacy. I don't like commitment, I like loyalty. I don't feel like I owe him explanations. I don't want to hear explanations either. I don't want to spend the whole time together. I don't wanna see him everyday, I just want to see him. I want him around, I just don't want him always here. I just want him.

confessions

2009-12-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate the most about living? Is that we have to face death all the time. I live fearing death, because I don't take my life for granted. Because in most cases, death isn't fair. Because I don't ever wanna die.
I hate that human beings are conscious about it, that we have to recognize that death is a fact, that we can all die at anytime, that we are that weak, that vulnerable. And as if recognizing wasn't enough, we also have to feel the loss. We grieve, we suffer, we pass out, we fear...we have to go through all this physical and emotional exhaustion...
If I were to choose, I'd want to pass away when I was no longer aware of my existence. Perhaps it would be easier, not having to deal with it, you know? Or maybe in my sleep, in my warm cozy bed, while dreaming or maybe while not dreaming at all. I just don't ever want to experience the agony of not being able to breathe.

Like magic

2009-12-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

There are people that enter your life and that once you let them in, you will never, ever be able to let them back out. They become suddenly essential, just like magic.

.

2009-12-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

Can't go on pretending I'm ok, I'm not ok, I'm not ok at all. My actions and my reactions right now...not me. People getting on my nerves so easily... not me at all. I can't recognize the stressed me, the impatient myself. But I don't seem to be able to tolerate anything else.

Ideology

2009-11-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I dislike all that Goddish stuff. Living is supposed to be simple and you make it really tough. Don't condemn me for that, I don't mean to be bad. But all those rules seem to be meant just to make us sad. I've got my own thoughts and I've got my own choices, we are never the same and we've got our own voices. I don't like to be told what to believe on or to wish for. I was born to be free and I'll always long for more. I don't care what you do, what you say or what you think, as long as you respect other people and other things. It's nice that you have faith, that you are willing to pray. But why does that matter if you're a simmer anyway? You can't pray away your selfishness, your intolerance and prejudice, thus you're so not better just for getting down on your knees. I don't get why you think it's ok to break your own laws. At least I've got an ideology to live on, after all. If I don't want to be hurt, I won't hurt anyone, If I want to be loved, I will love my dear ones. I'll know about my limits, my shoulds and my rights, and that my rights will always end where another one's start. I am patient foremost, but I can't control my nerves. If you don't treat me well, you'll have back what you deserve. Living isn't only about faith, it's also about actions. Don't sit down and wait, it will put you into depression. The best way to achieve your dreams is to go after it. So don't forget you're the one who is writing your history.

.

2009-10-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm passionate about everything I've chosen to do.

.

2009-10-12T18:14:00.001-07:00

as time goes by women learn that if we keep on waiting for prince charming to come along, we are most likely to end up alone.

2

2009-09-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

I know I deserve it. I've done that too. I've been just as heartless as you. And I'm pretty sure I'd do the same if I were you. So I totally deserve to be in the other side for once. To be the one who is left, and not the one who leaves. To be the one to feel devastated every time I pass by your place wanting to drop by but knowing that I can't anymore. I'm now the one who is not supposed to have expectations but does anyways. I hate that I no longer have a place to run away to. I just wish I could go back to making nights out of days, to making days warmer and smoother. It feels like there's no one to pull me out of the water when I'm struggling to be able to breathe. I loathe you because I'm no longer demanding on you, no longer telling you exactly what to do, so I can't deny that I'd be just as selfish as you are. I know that and I'd rather not miss you. I promise you, I'll be just fine without you. I just hope that will be soon.

.

2009-09-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

It's not a revenge, but I just like to give back whatever treatment I get. If you love me, I'll be very likely to love you more. But since you no longer care... I decided I should not care anymore.

.

2009-09-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

Everytime I try to run away from the noise, I end up sinking in the silence.

.

2009-09-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

Perhaps a few goosebumps aren't worth sleepless nights of regrets. Perhaps they are.
It's like... you know you're gonna wake up with a freaking hang over, but still... you pay for the drinks. You keep ordering shots.
And it doesn't always matter how it's gonna make you feel tomorrow, only that you're feeling good right now.
Because sometimes, you just have to stop worrying and drink it in. It's better to have both good and bad feelings, than to have none. Life is short.

Let it be.

2009-08-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I've heard about it.... it's that thing they've been speaking of all along. They almost got me believing, you know. They almost did. Maybe I'm better off without it. Perhaps I'm not supposed to find out that that could be real anyways. Maybe it's not supposed to happen... at least, not to me. I've got no choice but wonder. Let it be.

always longing for more

2009-08-29T10:35:00.001-07:00

I think that the fact that we can only feel fulfilled for so long is just part of our human condition. For example: I have everything. And I mean, everything. I have nothing to complain, thankfully. No big tragedies, no sickness, no sadness surround me. Bad things... I see everyday on tv... not directly involve me. Don't call me alienated, I know there are awful things out there... but I'm speaking about myself. Within a year, I achieved all the goals (let's say many, many goals) I had set for the next couple years. And that's because the year before, I had achieved all the goals I had set during my teen ages. They were not little, they were not easy... but I did reach them and I smile every time I think of it. I have so much, I don't ever wish to be anyone else. I love all that I have and all that I live - and have lived before. I love myself, I love what I am, exactly the way I am. I love my job, my home, family, my friends, college, car... I have everything I could wish for as a 22 years old woman, and more. And besides, and most important, people I love are there, and healthy, and living! I can only be grateful.
But I always want more. And that's why I say we can't be fulfilled for too long. We can savor our accomplishments, but there comes a time when you no longer feel satisfied. You need more! I'm so ambitious, I always need more.
And when you want something, when you long for something, when you have dreams that keep you awake at night... any time is too long. You're as happy as can be, but there's always a reason not to be completely, utterly happy. Happiness comes and goes, it's there in the day, disappears at night (or the other way around).
And I can't procrastinate happiness. I can't not be happy now just to be happy in the future. I have to feel that joy every day, even if only for a minute or two. Recognizing what makes me happy day by day, is what makes life so worth it. I always have reasons to give myself... but there are times, when everything is dark, that we can't see it. That we have to struggle to see it. That we crave for something that is missing. But it's always there... the light will always come in the end.
I'm just so self-confident. Even if I don't feel fulfilled now, I know it's a feeling that will be gone in a blink. If I'm not happy now, give me a smile and I'll smile. If people around me laugh, I laugh. When I miss someone or something, it brings me down. But then it brings me memories of why do I miss it, and so it makes me smile. I'd say the recipe is to be positive and go towards your dreams... draft your goals, and really go after them. It's not gonna come by itself and it takes real guts to stand up and go find out, I know...but it feels so good when you figure out that it wasn't quite impossible, I can tell you. And as I've heard once: When you're in the right path, the universe conspires in your favor.

No matter what.

2009-06-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

They told me once how hard it was to explain how they felt. There was a bit of every ingredient, and a bit of unknown. Depends on the situation, the good or the bad times. I tried to tell about stereotypes, about getting to know first, about what was ok and what was wrong. I learned from it about the need to give time to let it go. This was only a part of what I have kept from all the conversations we have had. By working hard on each and every single brick, we built together a home that will never break down. I don't regret being persistent when it felt like it was going to collapse. I gave it a week, I promised myself I'd work hard to make it better for so long. They didn't know I took a pledge, but they knew something had changed. They had open arms for good. When everything seemed perfect, my world crashed down. And I found out that words are tough, sometimes it's hard to find what to say. But at some point, everything became clear. And slowly, we were getting closer. And we came to love each other. I could lean on them, they could lean on me. We'd failed, but mostly, we did it right. We understood each other. We met each other deeply, and could even read each other's thoughts. And at some point, we were able to feel what the other felt. To know without having to speak. To listen what wasn't said. To tease without offending, to laugh without hurting. But all after getting over the first problems, after thinking it wouldn't work, after complaining without letting the other know what we said, what we felt or what we knew they had said. Without letting the other know when we were hurt, till the point the other just knew it. We learned to deal, we learned to understand and to count 1,2,3 not to give up. They taught me - without knowing it - that I could be perfect, but also that I could fail. They taught me without really aiming to teach me, and I made them learn. I made them cry, they made me cry. We learned from the silence. We feared the end. And this is a little of what we had to go through to realize we had turned into a family. It was when we felt free to judge without condemning, so we could teach and learn. There was a free space then, a space that didn't ask for ceremony, but always required respect. And so we moved on. And kept moving on. It was when the silence was no longer uncomfortable that we realized how close we were. And despite the failures, the challenges, the lessons to be learned...I couldn't imagine anyone replacing the place they occupied in my heart. And what I mean by "no matter what" is that it's so strong it's unconditional. No matter what.

.

2009-05-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am exactly where I wanna be. And the busier I get, the happier I feel.

.

2009-05-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

It's been just too hard to make it through the nights. I just need to be occupied and avoid any kind of emptiness, so I can surpass the hard times.

novo lugar

2009-04-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

Todo ser humano quer ser incomparável, insubstituível, inigualável. É por isso que é tão difícil lidar com o ciúmes. Porque difícil, na verdade, é lidar com a idéia de alguém tomando o seu lugar. E pior que isso, ter que digerir o fato de alguém estar possivelmente PREENCHENDO o seu lugar. E, na maioria dos casos, não há nada que se possa fazer. Não adianta xingar e espernear, isso é infantilidade. Deseje felicidade, se abra a uma nova e próspera oportunidade. Aceitar que o lugar que você ocupava no passado não é mais seu faz parte, siga em frente para novas conquistas e permita-se a uma nova realidade. A ferida vai cicatrizar e o rancor evaporar, deixando lugar somente para a saudade.

Desde sempre, para sempre.

2009-04-18T20:05:00.001-07:00

Separadas por uma parede, apenas. Vinte e um anos de amizade e ainda melhores amigas, pra variar um pouco. Para trás, só deixamos as bonecas. Um dos meus grandes tesouros, daqueles que serão mantidos pra sempre, que ganham sempre maior valor com o passar do tempo... e das minhas melhores lembranças de infância.

A dark post

2009-04-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

We live with a fear of death. It's crazy how we have to go on, aware that everything will be over at some point. The thing is that most people face it in different ways. Some live fully, some give up from trying hard. Some just want to believe there will be something else somewhere after this life, but nobody has a clue of what it could be. There are people who spend their lives praying and praying, worrying whether they are going to that freaking paradise once they die. Human beings insist on making up explanations to convince themselves they are better than anything else, they have this need to proof they are on the top of everything, even when all they say is bullshit. I like to admit I simply don't know. We all just can't tell. That's why I find it unreasonable to waste my time worrying about the unknown, obligating myself to have faith on things I don't really believe on because there's nothing to proof right from wrong. The truth is that no one knows and no one will ever know... not in this life (if there's even other anyways).
What I can say is that I carry this fear as well. I'm frightened about that, actually. I don't really care about where I'm going to go, where we all end up. I don't even think I believe there's somewhere else, even though I wish there was. We may all turn into powder or dirt (and only). However, I care about life, about living, about my loved ones I would leave if I die. About my accomplishments for which I worked so hard, it's unfair to have to leave that behind. And the craziest feeling is that I don't ever want to leave. And worse than that... I'd rather leave than be left. In other words, I'd rather die than face death. I can't imagine how devastating it would be for me to find myself in this crazy world without someone I love. That's the reason why life is a scary place to be at. Because we have to face our greatest fear everyday as the only certainty we have. Death is a fact.

Fantasie

2009-03-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

Existem momentos em que é preciso criar as suas próprias fantasias e mergulhar a fundo. É que só assim é possível se esconder daquelas verdades difíceis de encarar, ao menos até que as coisas se tornem mais fáceis e que a realidade fique mais leve sobre as suas costas. Ou até que as coisas mudem, que aquilo que te tortura tanto não provoque mais tanta dor. É uma brincadeira bem particular, entre você e você mesmo. A sua consciência não deve ser sua inimiga, por isso é sempre bom dar um tempo dela. A engane, se engane. Tirar os pés do chão pode fazer bem de vez em quando. É meio como se colocar em um delírio para manter a sanidade. Porque sabes que a verdade martelando na sua cabeça o tempo todo pode te levar à loucura. Esqueça um pouco, viva uma fantasia, crie, imagine e acredite. Se liberte do que te sufoca por dentro, mesmo que seja por um curto espaço de tempo.

Meu principezinho

2009-03-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

-Meu bem, eu quero ainda escutar o teu riso...
-Quando te houveres consolado (a gente sempre se consola), tú te sentirás contente por me teres conhecido. Tú serás sempre meu amigo. Terás vontade de rir comigo. -disse o principezinho.

"Little man," I said, "I want to hear you laugh again."
"When your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me", said the little prince.

(O pequeno príncipe - The Little Prince - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

(un)reasonable

2009-03-15T11:15:00.001-07:00

There are so many unreasonable things you do for the people you love. You accept their mistakes and do stuff you're not really supposed to. You hear them saying things that you don't like and shut the hell up, even when you are not really the kind of person to shut up... it's just that you do it for them because you care too much. You struggle and put all your efforts on trying to make them love you back. You often feel disappointed because they don't act the way you expected them to. Because you are afraid their love isn't the unconditional kind - perhaps you know it isn't, so you fear a slip because it would blow it all up, so you keep that fear in your heart and you do everything to avoid it. You are so compelling when you tell them how much you love them, that they start thinking of themselves as perfect...and that you are only lucky to have them in your life. They learn to love you back, but not having to try that hard...they judge you and remind you of your mistakes, don't really remember how hard you worked to fix it though. They can never see and recognize their own mistakes... because you were never capable to let them know. However, there's always a time when you stop to think whether all that effort was worth it. When the mean things other people told you about the way you acted keep hammering in your head. And even if you hate such poisoning words, you can't take it away from your mind. What if they are right? What if you've been acting like a stupid. And what if you were actually stupid, but even though, in the end, you got what you wanted? Perhaps you do love them way more than they love you back, perhaps this is not healthy, this isn't the way it was supposed to be. But you got to be loved, like none of the mean people, the ones who gave you their wretched advises were. You just know that in the end, these 'reasonable' (but not really) ones turned into the most despicable people to you. They were miserable, they didn't have what you did. They were just vain, they got tangible things that didn't last for a long time. They were screaming inside, because their hearts were empty. You, on the flip side, got priceless things that will last a lifetime... no matter what you had to give up for that. You know you would do the same way all over again, only to have what you got. You sure did get what you wanted and it brought you countless moments of joy. Maybe by that... well, you can assume the effort was worth it. And for what's worth...you always get to keep the best memories.

.

2009-03-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

I think now is gonna be the time to forget. Not all at once, but it is going to start happening. Because now the need to remember is way minimized. Heart is all chained and tight from thinking about it.

.

2009-03-07T15:07:00.001-08:00

Maybe I should let go, but I can't. And I don't want to. And even if it sometimes brings me down, it does calm my heart and make me happier. I won't let go.

.

2009-02-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter whether I miss you, really. It no longer matters at all. And for what's worth... I rather not see you. And not hear, so don't call. I was never very fond of the phone calls anyways. It would be really decent if you made it easier. And for the record: I'm SO not what you expected me to be. So not...

Be daring. be safe. live fully.

2009-02-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

It's hard to accept that you can't predict what is ahead, you don't know what's coming next...you only know what's left behind, what's done. However, whatever is done is over, you can't change. The agony of not being able to plan a perfect future, not to make a mistake, feels like torture. You have no clue of what's the right path when you have a choice to make. You want to pick the best way, but you fear the unexpected. When the world seems to have stopped spinning, you crave for news. You have to make a decision, even though you dread the breaking of security. You want to be able to seize the future, but the future is before you, you can only walk to it (and make the most of it). Well, I'd recommend you to take your chances and find out what's next whenever there's a chance to make it better. Don't be scared of making the wrong decision. The difference is that you know when you are making a mistake. Some people make it anyways because they don't know the consequences or hope that there won't be any. We can all tell what's wrong from what's right - or unknown. Be daring, but be safe. You wanna have wonderful moments and turn all times into the time of your life. What I am trying to say is that you gotta go beyond your own limits, but without crossing the line. It wouldn't be fun if everything was too predictable anyways...you've got to feel that bubble in your belly once in a while, that's the only way you get to feel that crazy emotion when you finally achieve your dreams. You know that feeling of attainment? It's the best! So even if, instead, you don't get it and feel like you fell from somewhere really high in the deepest hole...at least you've tried. The downfall will indeed hurt for a while, but you know what's really painful? Living a boring, immutable, settled, smooth life for too long or forever. It's depressing because it's like waiting for death, and that's the opposite of living! Again, what you really want is to make the most of it. That way, even the mistakes are worth it.

a-mar

2009-02-01T09:19:00.001-08:00

É que não me sinto inteira, não posso ser por completo. É que sem o mar, eu sou ordinária. Sou uma mulher comum entre tantas, incompleta e carente de realizações. Fico sendo mais uma no meio da terra, não sou terra, sou água salgada.

.

2009-01-26T14:46:00.001-08:00

Some people you can read so easily, some other you just can't get. But there are also the ones who can surprise you every time. You think you know, or you just never notice some things. And how come I find so many interesting features that I had no idea there was in a person that I've known for so long?

Perder, ganhar, mover sem parar.

2009-01-26T09:39:00.000-08:00

Não tenho medo de não acertar, de perder, de tomar o rumo errado e ter que recomeçar atrasada. Meu maior medo é levar uma vida vazia, sem dinamismo, sem sabor, sem novidades para ver, conhecer, aprender e lembrar. Não tem graça viver se for pra levar uma vida insípida. Todos insistem em me falar o que fazer, seguindo regras e convenções. A verdade é que eu não suporto a idéia de ter uma vida reduzida de maneira tão monótona, tão comum. É que tal não me abasteceria, não me acalmaria o coração. E se for assim, tão pobre de objetivos, não serei feliz. Não me falem apenas sobre estabilidade e casamento, não me algeme no cerrado pois não há adubo que me faça crescer aqui. Não me deixem perder a cor, mas podem me regar enquanto ainda tenho forças pra lutar. Me preparo para crescer, esperando a próxima estação chegar, assim como um pássaro que espera a hora certa para migrar. Quero ter de tudo um pouco e poder querer sempre mais. Quero perder por tentar ganhar, ou ganhar por tanto me esforçar. Quero acertar e aceitar ocasionalmente falhar. O que eu quero mesmo é mudar, recomeçar... mover sempre, sem parar.

spelling life

2009-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

If I am not writing, it means that I'm not entirely alive. It means that I'm living the days without a drop of intensity, that time is being wasted and stories are not being made. Doesn't mean that I'm sad, because sadness also provides beautiful poetry. It's just that I'm partially dead inside, living a neutral, boring life. I need to write, so I know I am alive.

.

2008-12-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

Don't spend too long alone with your thoughts in the boredom... they are risky and can turn into your most unreasonable enemy. And self-judgement? dude, these can torture you to death.

E se nós não podemos ter tudo

2008-11-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

Eu aparento ser o que eu sou e sou exatamente o que eu quero ser, estou exatamente aonde quero estar, fui aonde quis ir e vou aonde eu ainda quero chegar. Pertenço à família que eu quero pertencer, tenho os amigos que eu adoro ter, trabalho exatamente aonde quero trabalhar, almejo o que sei que posso conseguir, estudo exatamente o que eu quero estudar. O passado já deixou de ser, mas no presente, escolho o que eu quero viver. E para o futuro, tenho milhões de planos, mas não me atrevo a prever.

Grande parte de um mundo inteiro

2008-11-03T15:49:00.001-08:00

Você precisa descobrir o que há lá fora
o que o mundo esconde
para descobrir o que eu escondo em mim
São caminhos imensos, densos
grande parte de um mundo intenso
são caminhos sem fim.

Don't be stupid

2008-10-19T21:16:00.001-07:00

What a strange way to talk
you have got new slangs and all
try to look so cool
and think you've got it all
Your friends are all over you
to get to know what is new
but the one who really cares
was left aside of your crew
You won't realize that
because you won't stay long enough
but when you get back there
you will know that it's tough
you will find yourself alone
in a place where no one knows you
and when she doesn't call you back
you will think "what the hell did I do?"
you will beg for attention
from the "love of your life"
while she suddenly disappears
well, here comes the big strike
You will feel so stupid
for hurting the one who really matters
and that's when you will see
and finally try to make it better
maybe it is not going to be too late
and she will forgive you and get back
but don't you break her heart again
or you will forever regret

Dom

2008-10-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

É verdade que a beleza fascina, hipnotiza, enche os olhos. Mas é o charme que se torna imprescindível pra me levar à loucura. É um dom de poucos.

Peixe Vivo (Cantiga Popular)

2008-10-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

"A minha alma chorou tanto
Que de pranto esta vazia
Desde que aqui fiquei
Sem a tua companhia.

Não há pranto sem saudade
Nem amor sem alegria
E é por isso que eu reclamo
Essa tua companhia
E é por isso que eu reclamo
Essa tua companhia.

Como pode um peixe vivo
Viver fora da água fria?
Como pode um peixe vivo
Viver fora da água fria?
Como poderei viver
Como poderei viver
Sem a tua, sem a tua,
Sem a tua companhia."

---------------------
Eh q as vezes bate aquela saudade dos meus babies.

Rezo pra vida, peço pro tempo.

2008-10-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

Tanta coisa que tem pra dar certo, tanto acontecimento que está para acontecer, mas não acontece. Quanto tempo tenho que esperar, quanto tempo vai demorar? As coisas são imprevisíveis e meu coração se agonia pela falta de hora marcada. Não tenho como planejar o depois sem saber o que vem pela frente. Nada de ruim na minha vida, que bom. Mas espero tantas, tantas coisas boas. Estou otimista, claro, mas a impaciência me toma. Espero uma nova vaga, um telefonema, uma viagem. Espero ver alguém que ainda não pude ver e outros que ainda estou para conhecer. E quero ir passar férias em lugares em que ainda não estive. Quero ver e rever aqueles e aquilo que me traz saudade. Mas uma coisa de cada vez, eu sei. Preciso apenas que o meu momento chegue, quero fazer planos para poder fazer mais. Tempo, me espera, não passa tão rápido assim, não quero perder segundos. Falta pouco para eu conseguir tirar de você o meu melhor. Vida, tô ralando aqui pra ter o que me faça feliz, traz para mim o que almejo. Quero arrancar o máximo de ti, porque eu sei que eu mereço.

Broken hearts

2008-09-16T20:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you love someone so much that it's like you share heart and soul. And when she breaks down, you break with her. You suffer with her, even when it's impossible to feel exactly the same feeling, for being different people living different lives. But you know her heart is wounded and it wounds yours. And it's so hard to accept that you can not just go there and make it heal, that it depends of so many other things. You wish you could protect her from every harm. But you can't, you can only give her the most of your love.

Do que eh oculto.

2008-09-09T12:35:00.001-07:00

Eh verdade, guardo muitos segredos trancados a cadeado dentro do peito. Desapareceram todas as chaves, nao sei se ainda serei capaz de encontra-las e liberar o que elas guardam. Nao me escondo por inteiro, porem nao me mostro por completo, oculto o que receio pois a minha vida, eu interpreto. Nao eh que eu minta, nao eh que eu queira ser um enigma. Minha personalidade eh a mesma e isso eu nao altero. Eh que nao preciso contar, eh que algumas vezes nao se pode confiar em ninguem alem de si mesmo. Nao sei ser dessas pessoas que fazem da vida um livro aberto. Eh que, sem precisar falar, imponho limites ou finjo que nada mais existe. Meus melhores amigos ateh sabem algo mais sobre mim, sabem tambem saber que nao sabem tudo e que isto jah eh saber mais que meus inimigos, aqueles que tem certeza de que me conhecem a fundo. Minha familia tenta, sem sucesso, me desvendar. A verdade eh que nao ha ninguem que consiga me revelar. Nao quero ser misterio, mas tenho o direito de ocultar o que eu quero. Nao falo de fofocas ou segredos vaos e sim de coisas que agoniam o coracao. Guardo para nao machucar, para transtorno e tristeza evitar, para proteger a mim e aos que amo. Sao segredos convenientes aos bons, esqueciveis ou nao, que oculto ao passar dos anos. Porque algumas pessoas sao mas e tornam pequenas verdades em armas para causar sofrimento. Minha mentira nao eh traicao, pois a minha lealdade esta presente na omissao. E assim mantenho sempre o olhar da verdade e a voz da conviccao, encobrindo a minha incrivel capacidade de dissimulacao. Entao acabo permitindo me deixar levar pelas minhas proprias mentiras, porque sou o meu proprio espelho. E espelhos nao refletem nada alem do nosso corpo, nao mostram nem alma, nem pensamento, nem sentimento. Apenas o que todos podem ver, se restringe a exatamente aquilo que aparentamos ser.

If only

2008-09-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

No, I can't move on
and don't you dare
...please
it would be just too much for me to bear
there is a lot going on
and I'm not sure what
but If only I didn't care...
I need you to tell me
one more time
that you will always be there.

"Toda dor passa, toda dor se esquece."

2008-08-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

Mas e quando a dor supre o medo de ser esquecido e causa contentamento? Quando ela doi muito, mas doi ainda mais pensar que a ferida pode cicatrizar e ser ignorada? E se a dor passar e for apagada? Talvez nao doera quando ela nao mais existir, mas agora, me doi pensar apenas na possibilidade de a minha dor, causada pelo afeto, pela perda e pela falta, nao mais ser lembrada.

Feliz, simples assim.

2008-08-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Adoro os dias em que eu simplesmente acordo feliz. Nao ha um grande motivo, mas eu me faco capaz de encontrar todos os motivos possiveis. E eh tao bom olhar ao meu redor e me sentir satisfeita por todos que eu tenho, com tudo o que eu tenho, por tudo que eu vivo. Me sentir realizada por completo. Meu coracao parece se encher de felicidade e nao mais caber no meu peito, parece pular de alegria a cada vez que eu respiro tudo o que vejo. Nao trocaria isso por nada no mundo. Sou feliz por cada momento do meu passado, pelo momento presente e pelo que estou construindo para o futuro. E eu sei que posso tudo.

I'll still love you even if you forget

2008-08-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

Even if life goes by and you don't think of me when you sing, even if the time flings and you don't dance like I loved to see, even if the day begins and I'm not there with you in the morning, even if I don't watch you grow, don't teach you new words, don't change your clothes...even so, I'll still love you. Because even though these moments are past, I know that deep inside, somewhere in my heart, you are kept.
So even if I don't hear your laughter and no longer go get your sweater, even if I don't play zoo and don't help you to tie your shoe, even if you don't teach me new words and I don't teach you about the world, even if you forget all the portuguese I have said...even so, I'll still love you. Because even though these moments are now past, I know that deep inside, in a special place in my heart, you are kept.
And even if you no longer jump on my bed, play puppy and cat, even if you don't show up in my room, If I don't wake you up when it's time to... even if I can not run around the house with you and play tag, even if we can not cuddle, if I can't blow you tummy or play bubbles. Even if I can't read you books or make up stories with you, speak about our favorite colors : purple, pink and blue...
Even so... I'll still love you. Because even though these moments are past I know that in my memories and deep inside, somewhere in my heart, you are there. And it's kept.

Por uma nova Bossa Nova

2008-08-22T08:25:00.001-07:00

Eu sinto falta do Rio Bossa Nova, do charme e da gloria, do romantismo que vinha com o mar. Sinto saudades de quando os tiros nao se confundiam com a musica, de quando a violencia nao apagava a poesia , de quando ateh os maus se rendiam a amar. Se calarem tudo e tirarem o crime da fotografia, poderao ver a paisagem embriagante, que enche os olhos a encantar. E entao, preste bem atencao nos ouvidos da sua imaginacao, nova Bossa Nova ouvira tocar. Porque tamanha beleza, de infinita grandeza, nao pode ser ofuscada, eh para se apreciar. Por favor, nao estraguem a fantastica natureza e a paixao das pessoas que amam esse lugar, pois absurdo mesmo eh pensar que elas nao mais se sentem livres e seguras para dele desfrutar.

Deus eh brasileiro

2008-08-11T14:32:00.001-07:00

Deus eh brasileiro e disso eu tenho certeza. Soh assim pra criar o lugar mais lindo, diversificado e fascinante do mundo. Mas eh que eu to achando que Ele se mudou pra lua... porque ao menos por agora, a impressao que eu tenho eh que nesse planeta eh que Ele nao tah.

Eles realmente se importam?

2008-08-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

Agora me diga
eles realmente se importam?
eu vejo ruas sujas
pessoas desesperadas
eu vejo criancas pedindo dinheiro
e adolescentes usando drogas
Agora me diga
eles realmente se importam?
eu nao vejo as novas escolas publicas
eu nao vejo os novos hospitais publicos
o que temos, nao eh suficiente
e as pessoas estao sofrendo
Por favor, diga-me!
eles realmente se importam?
a pobreza aumenta
a violencia aumenta
a felicidade diminui
cade a educacao?
cade a assistencia?
Me diz!
Eles realmente, realmente se importam?
a poluicao piora
qualidade nao se mostra
o mundo deveria estar melhorando
nos todos deveriamos estar ajudando
Agora, me diga...
Voce realmente se importa?
voce suja as ruas
baguncam o trafego
voce rouba, voce trapaceia
voce mata
eles matam seus filhos...
Voce nao pode fazer um pouquinho?
Tentar fazer isso melhorar?
fazer a utopia
tornar-se algo possivel de mudar
Porque eu, sinceramente, nao entendo
o motivo de suas oracoes
se voce destroi, a cada dia
da natureza, as melhores criacoes.

("Do they really care?" - portuguese version - versao em portugues)

Do they really care?

2008-08-11T09:09:00.000-07:00

Now, tell me
do they really care?
I see dirty streets
desperate people
I see kids begging for money
and teenagers on drugs.
Now, tell me
do they really care?
I don't see the new public schools
I don't see the new public hospitals
what we have is not enough
and people are suffering!
Please, just tell me!
do they really care?
Poverty is increasing
violence is increasing
happiness is decreasing
Where is the education?
where is the aid?
Tell me!
Do they really really care?
pollution is getting worse
"quality" seems to be only a word
the world should be getting better
we should all be growing together
Now, tell me...
do YOU really care?
You are trashing the streets
you are messing up the traffic
you steal, you cheat
you kill
they kill your kids...
Can't you make a little?
can't you try to make it better?
Turn the utopia
into a possible change
because I just can't understand
why do you pray
if you are ruining what nature
has created one day.

I'm torn

2008-07-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

I fell so hard when my trip to the place where "all dreams come true" was over and I came back to reality. The time I dreaded was there and I'd have to face it. Well, I did. Every single minute felt like the last one and I really had to enjoy it. I'd memorize the face and the actions of the ones I loved, so I'd never forget. The way they move, the way they talk, the things they say the most. Some moments would make me chill and I'd tear...but I would try harder and harder to be strong. It was weird to see my empty room and then, to see it replaced. Felt like I didn't belong there anymore. But then, I had people around me who would proof me the opposite. Yes, I did belong there too, I do belong there, I now belong here and there... and that, I will never forget. Well, despite the fact that we were preparing ourselves for the farewell for so long, we were actually never prepared. And it couldn't have been harder. My heart was broken apart, and I left a big part of it there. The other part felt so tight, it was hard to breathe. Tears were coming nonstop, my blood felt cold in my veins. It hurt so hard, although I had to strive to tear myself apart. Yet, part of me is there and I can't leave that behind.

A velha luta continua...

2008-07-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

Quando pequena, aprendi a cultivar um pensamento romantico: a ser honesta, a confiar, a ser e acreditar que existem pessoas de bem. Confesso que nao mentiram sobre a existencia do mal, mas criaram em mim a fantasia de que o mal eh combatido pelo bem. Ilusao. Cresci e percebi que nao me ensinaram a transformar as pessoas ruins e nao inventaram um radar de pessoas boas. Mas mascaras caem ao passar do tempo e carater....carater vem de berco.

Do fim, um recomeco.

2008-07-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

Estou longe de ser uma pessoa considerada romantica, sonhadora. Acho que nao me permito aceitar a submissao que acompanha tais caracteristicas. Abracei a liberdade e dela nao consigo me desfazer, posso me entregar por inteiro, mas tento nao me deixar prender. Sou tomada por sentimentos mundanos como ambicao. Tento ser racional, fugir do emocional. Costumo ser mais pe-no-chao, acreditar no que eh possivel, ter amores possiveis, mas nem sempre sou mais forte que o coracao. Isso sim eh impossivel. Mesmo nao sendo tao boa, tao sensivel... Nao consigo fazer escolhas sem pensar nos outros. As vezes, tento colocar meus pes no chao e acreditar q eu nao deveria me levar por coisas, pessoas e lugares efemeros. Tive chances de quebrar muros a minha frente, de realizar MAIS, de conhecer MAIS. Mas nao pude me desfazer do que conheci, do que amei, mesmo sabendo que essa hora chegaria cedo ou tarde. E daih, alguns dias me sinto a pessoa mais feliz do mundo e acho q fiz a melhor escolha. Em outros, um simples olhar, gesto, uma nao-palavra...pode me matar, me revoltar. O final, enquanto por um lado, me faz sentir realizada, completa, por outro lado, me deixa acabada. Mas do fim, chega o comeco, o recomeco. E daih me entregarei por inteiro, depois me arrancarei por inteiro... e novamente voarei.

Eu mudei, nada mudou.

2008-07-24T20:01:00.001-07:00

Esta tudo igual, da mesma maneira que eu deixei. Nao sei se eu desci do mundo ou se o mundo parou. Nao sei se entrei num vacuo ou saih de um mundo surreal. As coisas continuam no seu lugar. O tempo nao envelheceu os meus pais, apenas fez crescer os pequeninos. As ruas continuam iguais, eu que perdi o costume. O clima, os carros, as casas. Nada mudou. Fico feliz por ter saido, por ter vivido, por ter voltado. Estou em fase de readaptacao, porem sinto-me aliviada pela saude dos que eu amo e por nao ter perdido nada.

.

2008-07-17T14:37:00.001-07:00

It hurts so much that I almost believe I'm not going to be able to breathe.

Ame-se

2008-06-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

Eh para amar a si mesmo, sem medo, sem desprezo...sem dor, sem desespero. Quando me amei, encontrei a felicidade...tamanha felicidade que nao cabia no meu peito. As pessoas esquecem de se amar, esquecem de ser felizes. Elas lembram dos problemas, dos rancores, do que ha ou o que poderia acontecer de ruim. Elas sofrem com o que jah eh passado distante e sofrem com antecedencia por algo que nem aconteceu. Nao eh ruim sofrer as vezes, chorar tira o peso da alma. Mas nao se deixe dominar. Tente ser feliz tambem. Experimente acordar um dia e te dar motivos para ser feliz. Experimente se olhar no espelho e gostar de si. Se ame, ame o proximo, a sua casa, o seu mundo. Ame-se por inteiro, ame-se a fundo.

The almost

2008-06-26T20:20:00.001-07:00

It feels pretty empty right now. And I can't help this feeling. It's like a roller coaster, with all it's ups and downs. Because something that I've been waiting for is approaching, but something that I learned to love will be left by me. I'm here, watching the time passing by, anxious for what's coming but already missing what's past. It's not time to meet again and it's not time to say goodbye. So I struggle inside with that mix of excitement and sadness. I can't wait to see my life changing again, to hug the ones I love the most and miss so badly, to check out about how it's going to be, if it will meet my expectations...or not. I'm scared for the farewell that I will have to face before, though. I don't know how strong I can be, or how weak I'll feel for leaving people I love and care so much about, without a clue of if we will ever see again. I fear an ending of our strong (and beautiful) connection. I don't want to lose something I treasure so much. So I act strong, trying to convince myself that everything is normal, but not quite as strong inside. It's empty while I'm waiting, it feels suffocating. I can't wait to see my family again. But I will sure miss here and it all here... So ready to go back, not ready to leave. But at least....at least I can say how happy I am for who I met and all that I've been through...and I couldn't be happier.

Passa, tempo.

2008-06-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

Eh a agonia da espera que me mata, a ansiedade que me toma. Eh esse momento vazio, nao eh calor nem frio, nem feliz nem triste, nao sei dizer o que eh real e o que nao existe. Eh ver o relogio contar segundos enquanto eu conto dias, eh olhar pra tras e ver que passaram-se meses, enquanto eu conto dias e vejo passar segundos. Eh a agonia da espera que me mata, a ansiedade que me toma, a expectativa q nao se acha, q me sufoca.

Poema de Mario Quintana

2008-06-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

"Se eu fosse um padre, eu, nos meus sermões,
não falaria em Deus nem no Pecado
— muito menos no Anjo Rebelado
e os encantos das suas seduções,

não citaria santos e profetas:
nada das suas celestiais promessas
ou das suas terríveis maldições...
Se eu fosse um padre eu citaria os poetas,

Rezaria seus versos, os mais belos,
desses que desde a infância me embalaram
e quem me dera que alguns fossem meus!

Porque a poesia purifica a alma
...e um belo poema — ainda que de Deus se aparte —
um belo poema sempre leva a Deus!"

“If I were a priest, I would not preach about God or sins (...); I would cite the poets, pray their verses, the most beautiful ones, (...) because poetry purifies the soul...and a beautiful poem - even those which are apart from God -, a beautiful poem always takes us to Heaven!”

(Mario Quintana)

Se fez cega

2008-06-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

Ela poderia esperar o inesperado, porem nunca o que todos esperavam. Ela suportaria o que a pegasse de surpressa, mas nao a dor da humilhacao pelo que era avisada, mas nao acreditava. Ela nunca aceitou ser contrariada. Nem pelas pessoas, nem pela natureza, nem pelo destino. O orgulho a possuiu, devorou, sufocou. Perdeu todos os amigos, perdeu todos os sentidos, perdeu o chao, perdeu abrigo. Desmoronou.

No compasso

2008-06-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

Trocando passos no compasso do momento em que me acho. Solidao que bate forte no correr dessa missao. Amizades verdadeiras, passageiras, traicoeiras. Amores devaneios, vividos por inteiro, encerrados sem receio, que na memoria ficarao. O mundo gira como sempre, a hora passa lentamente. E quando pisco, num segundo, outra volta deu o mundo.

Foi o futuro que passou

2008-06-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

Passaram-se 2, 3 meses

passaram-se quase 2 anos

nao importa

o passado sumiu,

foi levado pelo vento

e eu nao mais sei medi-lo

nao sei se foi curto ou longo

sei q existiu

e esta para acabar

e o futuro esta ao meu alcance

e para esse, posso contar os dias

pois esta para chegar

e mesmo que pareca distante

ele logo vai passar

vai virar passado

parecer curto, longo, imensuravel

e nao vai mais voltar

O presente finge te congelar no tempo

enquanto corre diante dos seus olhos

sem voltar para tras.

Minha vida em 4.

2008-06-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

My Life in 4.

Greenville, Sc -USA

Rio de Janeiro, RJ - Brasil

Natal, RN - Brasil

Brasilia, DF- Brasil

Êxtase

2008-06-09T16:13:00.000-07:00

Contei as estrelas cadentes que via, acompanhei a localização das constelações no céu de verão. Reparei na fase da lua, no céu sem nuvens, na noite escura. Senti a temperatura da areia na pele, desejei que pudesse também sentir a chuva. Fascinei-me pelo movimento da lua ao passar das horas. Acreditei ouvir o som da lua tocando as águas do mar. Pensei que poderia alcançá-la, tocá-la. Mas é que ao abrir os olhos, eu perdi o caminho do mar. Só sei que não sou planta de cerrado e plantada aqui não vou ficar.

Ao que vale de verdade

2008-05-29T21:33:00.001-07:00

Perdi as contas de quantas vezes ouvi meu pai me falar que educacao eh a melhor heranca que eu poderei receber dele, pra vida. Talvez eu nao entendesse tanto enquanto crianca, mas hoje em dia, olhando pra tras, eu nao poderia concordar mais. Educacao eh tudo o que voce precisa ter para fazer as suas proprias escolhas. Isso porque, a partir do momento que voce POSSUI conhecimento, vc tem portas abertas no seu caminho. Pois, mesmo quando oportunidades nao caem do ceu, eu posso garantir que quem procura, acha. Voce criara asas para alcanca-las. O tamanho da oportunidade depende do tamanho da determinacao. Voce nao precisa ter nascido num berco de ouro pra fazer um bom futuro na vida. As pessoas nao nascem burras, elas se tornam burras. Tenho pena dos que nao tem outra escolha senao essa condicao, mas abomino os burros por opcao. Nao eh triste ser pobre, eh triste ser ignorante. E nao, uma coisa nao depende da outra: Conheco ignorantes ricos e inteligentes pobres. Desprezo os ignorantes ricos, mais do que qualquer outro. Admiro os inteligentes pobres. Desprezo pais ricos que sustentam filhos para sempre, pois criaram filhos ignorantes, mesmo com condicoes de melhor educa-los. Eles se tornam adultos incapazes de trilhar o proprio caminho. Dinheiro acaba. Sabedoria eh infinita e invulneravel. Conhecimento foi o melhor que meu pais receberam (e bem aproveitaram) dos meus avos e eu os admiro por isso. Nao quero, deles, o dinheiro. Porem, quero todo o aprendizado. Conhecimento eh o melhor bem que tenho recebido dos meus pais (e que tenho aproveitado) e valorizo muito. E eh, enfim, o melhor bem que poderei oferecer para os meus filhos. Tenho todas as minhas portas abertas e orgulho de dizer que o meu futuro, agora, soh depende das minhas proprias escolhas. E eu quero ir longe.

1 minuto

2008-05-27T17:38:00.001-07:00

Brancos, negros, pobres, ricos, indianos
familias, criancas, jovens, velhos, pais bobos,
meninas catando flores,japoneses, fotografos, atletas
mendigos, famintos, mulheres de vestido,
bonitos, amigos, feios, feridos,
perdidos, estressados, felizes,
achados,cachorros e seus donos
Cristaos e mulcumanos.
Eu vejo tanto em tao pouco
num espaco curto e denso, cheio, intenso
vejo onibus, carros, poluicao
eu vejo bandeiras,luxo, charme, nobreza...
vejo o grotesco, vejo a beleza
eu vejo jardins, eu vejo verde, muito verde
esculturas, concreto, asfalto
eu vejo edificios,vejo amigos unidos
vejo nao-amigos, separados, frios
namorados apaixonados...
vejo felizes, fascinados.
Eu vejo tanto em tao pouco
num espaco curto e denso, cheio, intenso
E eh isso que eu mais amo em cidades grandes
eh que eu vejo!
vejo vejo vejo vejo vejo
vejo tantos, vejo todos,
vejo tudo isso em um minuto,
vejo muito.

Saudade

2008-05-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

Saudade, a word that can only be perfectly expressed in portuguese and has such a beautiful meaning... saudade, you only feel if you really love. Everyone feels saudade, but only portuguese speakers can really tell it. The dictionary tries to explain it, but it is not able to translate:

"saudade (f)
n. missing, nostalgia; longing, yearning
Saudade (singular) or Saudades (plural) (pron. IPA [] in European Portuguese, [] in Galician, and [] or [] in Brazilian Portuguese) is a Portuguese and Galician word for a feeling of longing for something that one is fond of, which is gone, but might return in a distant future. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return."

It is that feeling that makes you feel your heart tight, makes you sigh. Can make you smile, can make you cry.

noite nublada

2008-05-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

As ondas do mar acompanham a minha respiracao
a minha respiracao sufocada
Elas hoje sao poucas e breves
e inexplicaveis
e imprevisiveis.
O ceu eh a minha mente
minha mente infinita
ela me atormenta

com pensamentos que nunca acabam
como as estrelas
que cintilam
mesmo distantes
mesmo intangiveis.
A madrugada eh o meu coracao
deserto, sozinho
misterioso, como o meu destino
nada se sabe
tudo se espera.
Me sinto pressionada por dentro
como as nuvens carregadas
que cobrem o ceu,

as estrelas

e a madrugada
e atormentam o mar
deixando a noite ainda mais triste
e incerta.
Lagrimas surgem nos meus olhos
como a agua da chuva...
e molham.

living a nightmare

2008-05-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

Were you ever in a situation that you closed your eyes and told yourself "please, wake up, it has to be a bad dream!"? And then, you realized that it was for real and you felt like you couldn't breathe...when you make sure that you are able to breathe and you are alive, you feel like running away, vanishing! Going somewhere nobody will ever notice you. Well, I did. On that time, I wished I had the time machine, so I'd go back to the past and try to make something differently, so it wouldn't have happenned. But again, I came down to earth and realized the nightmare was for real, that everybody was going to know that and disappearing would not erase that fact. And so I knew that the best to do was to face it, no matter how hard it could be. I started making myself questions like "Why did it happen, why? It's not my fault!". Because, for some reason, it was just out of my control. Then I would cry alone every night, when no one was around to hear it. Sometimes, during the day, I wanted to be away from people because I felt like bawling. I got to the point that I felt worn out of crying for so long. Sometimes, I'd wish I had someone to hold me and calm me down, to let me lay on his lap until I fell asleep. But, on the flip side, I really didn't want anyone to do it, because I didn't want anyone to know how wasted I was. So I'd wake up the next day and pretend I was ok, despite the fact that I couldn't hide my swollen eyes. I was so devastaded that I couldn't stand the crying anymore, although I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand smiles, either. People having fun around me was just something too absurd. They looked unreasonable, negligible, pitiable. But I knew, I was the pitiable one, I just didn't want to look like that...I was always too proud to let people feel sorry for me, I would not let it happen. I'd look at them with disgust, because I was not able to have fun. They'd say they understood me, but I knew they didn't, because none of them had gone through the same situation. I was working hard to get over it and trying to fix it the way I was able to, but it was taking too long and it became an obsession, the very only one thing I could think of. I was punishing myself more and more as there was noone to do so. I asked myself the same question over and over! "WHY? WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN? WHY WITH ME???". Such a ridiculous way, a ridiculous curve...I could totally have done without it. It's not like I knew I was doing something wrong that would result in something so bad. And then I stopped defending myself because nobody would believe on me anyway, they would think that I was trying to find excuses to explain the big mistake. There wasn't a mistake, it just happenned. But after so long hearing so many people telling me lessons, whether from who I loved or who I hated, I kind of believed that I really did something wrong. Because it was easier. It's easier to admit what they insist to say and just deal with it than keep trying to convince everyone of something they don't want to believe on. And it was easier for me too, it felt lighter on my soul. It relaxed my mind. It was the only way I found to let myself rest. And even though I knew It wasn't my fault, I learned that I could still learn from it. I learned never to make a mistake that would cause something like that. Because I'd be always double careful. My heart was only free to smile again when I heard that everyone involved was over it. Well, even though I wished it had never happenned....I could finally get over it too.

First impressions can be wrong.

2008-05-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

They've seen each other at a bar, lots of times. They thought they were in love. They'd need to talk everyday, by phone, IM or in person, it didn't matter. But it always felt like there was something missing. And in every conversation, she'd find something on him that she didn't like as much. She would prefer not to know anymore about him, she wanted to just fantasy it all. "You won't get to know me very much, so let's just leave the way it is", she'd think. But he wanted to get to know each other, and so he would show her more about his life. And she realized that she didn't like his clothes, his smile and the way his house looked like. She didn't like his job, his car and the way he was complaining about not having much money, when she knew that he could have been making much more if he tried a little harder. Actually, she didn't even like the way he had chosen to live his life. She didn't like the places that he invited her to go. She began thinking that he was behaving like a teenager boy when he should be worried about beginning a grown-up life. Even so, she thought she needed to be a little more flexible. Everyone talked about how hard she was with every guy she've met....she liked him in the beginning, after all. But he took too long getting to know each other and, the longer he was taking, the more he was showing, the harder it seemed to keep it on. So she completely lost it all. She can't help on being this convinced, snob girl. It's because she does believe she deserves more than that, even knowing that it wasn't gonna last anyway. But he was no longer worth a mere adventure.

Sem fim.

2008-04-24T19:37:00.000-07:00

Importante mesmo eh aquela lembranca de uma amizade bem aproveitada, de algo q foi curto, porem intenso. Eh a recordacao de pequenos momentos, simples e significantes. Na minha memoria ficara cada dia de tedio quando tentavamos, sem sucesso, encontrar algo pra fazer. Os passeios nas montanhas, as longas conversas no carro sobre presente, expectativas de futuro ou lembrancas do passado. As pequenas viagens, a montanha-russa e o barco pirata! Os playdates... Posso dizer que ate as brigas serao lembradas com sucesso, pois elas fizeram uma papel importante no nosso crescimento interno. Lidamos com a raiva, a magoa, o arrependimento, o reconhecimento e o perdao. E foi aih q demos valor ao nosso tesouro. Uma amizade que chegou de passagem, com tempo determinado, mas nos trouxe algo tao forte que nao nos pode ser efemero. Importante mesmo eh o que ha dentro de nos e que faz desses pequenos momentos, tao grandes. Importante mesmo eh algo assim, que mesmo longe do perfeito, ficou marcado no peito e nao merece ter fim.

Rio (im)perfeito

2008-04-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Dificil eh explicar a sensacao de fascinio que o Rio de Janeiro provoca nas pessoas que por lah passam. Parece desatino encher a boca pra falar que a cidade mais perigosas do Brasil, em algumas partes dominada pelo trafico, eh, para mim, o melhor lugar do mundo. Porque aos que nunca conheceram, eh facil julgar que aquele eh um lugar horrivel a partir das calamidades exibidas na tv, noticias nao tao facilmente recebidas pelos que jah foram dominados pelos encantos da cidade maravilhosa. Estou certa de que o Rio, se nao fosse corrompido por tanta violencia, seria simplesmente perfeito, ao menos dentro da minha concepcao de lugar perfeito. Parece antitese ter que misturar duas caracteristicas antagonicas ao descrever o mesmo lugar. O Rio traz consigo a beleza estonteante da natureza, a funcionalidade e multiplicidade da cidade grande, a diversidade das pessoas e da arte, a poesia da alegria e da tristeza. Sim, ateh mesmo a infelicidade eh bela no Rio, pois, perdida entre as montanhas e o mar, inspira os nossos poetas a criar. Ateh porque a infelicidade no Rio eh momentanea, ela passa rapido jah que o Rio te dah motivos para deixa-la passar e voltar a sorrir. Eh olhar ao redor e se sentir vivo, porque a vida emana ao seu redor e te faz vivo. A beleza do Rio enche os olhos e, a alegria lah presente, preenche o coracao.

Eu nao estava pronta pra deixar voce partir.

2008-03-24T22:28:00.000-07:00

Apenas um minuto, e foi como se eu tivesse sido tapeada e pisoteada, como se eu tivesse lutando para conseguir forcas para levantar. Eu me senti fraca, todas as minhas energias foram extorquidas do meu corpo naquele ultimo abraco. E com ela, foram-se todas as minhas magoas. Comigo ficaram as lembrancas dos momentos bons, que remanesceram por causa de um olhar, um gesto e de algumas poucas, ultimas palavras.

it's all over

2008-03-16T21:55:00.000-07:00

I give my all
my all for nothing
and I still have to hear complaints of who is never satisfied!
So why do I keep giving if people, instead of feeling thankful, complain that I haven't done more...more than what I could do without going beyond my limits...
why can't they understand?
It only makes me tired. Those things really make you think of what and who is worthy...
and dude, it really hurts.

FOR GOOD (From "Wicked", the musical) / MAIO (Kid Abelha)

2008-03-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

FOR GOOD
"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend"

MAIO
"Ja esta no final
o que somos nos, afinal?
Se ja nao nos vemos mais.
Estamos longe demais...
Longe DEMAIS!

...Ja esta no final.
E hora de se mover
pra viver mil vezes MAIS
ESQUECA os meses
esqueca os seus finais...
esqueca os finais!"

(para manter na memoria)