The monster has been awaken

I had monsters in my childhood that I shouldn't have had to deal with. I was only a child, it was too much for me to understand, for me to bear. But I had to. I was wounded, humiliated, but got a chance to heal when it seemed to be over. Of course, there will always be scars...

I was just a little girl keeping secrets from everyone because I didn't want to embarrass myself or my family. I cried for things I wasn't even supposed to understand at such an early age. I hid, so many times I just hid. I was under so much pressure and the person who was causing me so much damage never really noticed that. Never quit loving me, I'm sure, but never apologized or anything.

Well, I grew up stronger, more mature, skipping stuff that were normal for teenagers and were just way too silly to me. I made up my mind about what I wanted to be in life, and I wanted to be by myself. I wanted to be free and independent, which surely led me to my commitment issues. And just when I thought I was getting over what I've been through, had assured myself that all the bad things would stay asleep in the past... I saw it wide awake, right in front of me. And now that I'm old enough to run away - because I've seen it, and dealt with it, and my experience forces me to know exactly what is happening and reminds me that I can't help it -, I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have to suffer from something that is not my fault, that took away so much from me when I couldn't do anything. That got me so ashamed for just belonging there. But how do you cut that thread that keeps you together? I was so young when I learned to pretend that nothing wrong was going on. I was so good at it that everyone thought I was oblivious, that it was doing nothing to me. Except that it did so much sometimes I think I'm screwed. No matter how much I try to open their eyes, they'll never see. They'll never understand. They don't see the consequences unless it's right there. And I know there are gonna be many, and I know that will disturb everyone's life... and heads... and hearts. I swear I'm not easily breakable, but sometimes you just get tired of fighting against the very same thing. It's so hard to foresee bad things when you are not able to stop it. It's not up to me. It never was.