Commitment phobia

It's funny how the simple thought of commitment irritates me. It drives me nuts, it makes me sick. I feel trapped in chains. Phone calls turn into handcuffs, the phobia for not having enough time for myself becomes almost unbearable. I enjoy alone time, like when I am driving my car unaccompanied... it suddenly turns into my favorite moment of the day. It's just that all my life I've been struggling to be released, to be free... to belong to myself and no one else. So why do I let myself commit? Because I also like him, I like having him by my side, I like holding him. I love having somewhere to run away to. Maybe I'm selfish, I wanna do things my way. I don't like when he shows up without previous notice, I don't want to talk all the time, I won't give him my passwords, I refuse to let him in and I can't seem to be romantic enough. I also hate when I have to introduce my new boyfriend to people, it's just boring. I don't like the beginning, the getting to know each other, the idea of a new romance. I like intimacy. I don't like commitment, I like loyalty. I don't feel like I owe him explanations. I don't want to hear explanations either. I don't want to spend the whole time together. I don't wanna see him everyday, I just want to see him. I want him around, I just don't want him always here. I just want him.