living a nightmare

Were you ever in a situation that you closed your eyes and told yourself "please, wake up, it has to be a bad dream!"? And then, you realized that it was for real and you felt like you couldn't breathe...when you make sure that you are able to breathe and you are alive, you feel like running away, vanishing! Going somewhere nobody will ever notice you. Well, I did. On that time, I wished I had the time machine, so I'd go back to the past and try to make something differently, so it wouldn't have happenned. But again, I came down to earth and realized the nightmare was for real, that everybody was going to know that and disappearing would not erase that fact. And so I knew that the best to do was to face it, no matter how hard it could be. I started making myself questions like "Why did it happen, why? It's not my fault!". Because, for some reason, it was just out of my control. Then I would cry alone every night, when no one was around to hear it. Sometimes, during the day, I wanted to be away from people because I felt like bawling. I got to the point that I felt worn out of crying for so long. Sometimes, I'd wish I had someone to hold me and calm me down, to let me lay on his lap until I fell asleep. But, on the flip side, I really didn't want anyone to do it, because I didn't want anyone to know how wasted I was. So I'd wake up the next day and pretend I was ok, despite the fact that I couldn't hide my swollen eyes. I was so devastaded that I couldn't stand the crying anymore, although I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand smiles, either. People having fun around me was just something too absurd. They looked unreasonable, negligible, pitiable. But I knew, I was the pitiable one, I just didn't want to look like that...I was always too proud to let people feel sorry for me, I would not let it happen. I'd look at them with disgust, because I was not able to have fun. They'd say they understood me, but I knew they didn't, because none of them had gone through the same situation. I was working hard to get over it and trying to fix it the way I was able to, but it was taking too long and it became an obsession, the very only one thing I could think of. I was punishing myself more and more as there was noone to do so. I asked myself the same question over and over! "WHY? WHY DID IT HAVE TO HAPPEN? WHY WITH ME???". Such a ridiculous way, a ridiculous curve...I could totally have done without it. It's not like I knew I was doing something wrong that would result in something so bad. And then I stopped defending myself because nobody would believe on me anyway, they would think that I was trying to find excuses to explain the big mistake. There wasn't a mistake, it just happenned. But after so long hearing so many people telling me lessons, whether from who I loved or who I hated, I kind of believed that I really did something wrong. Because it was easier. It's easier to admit what they insist to say and just deal with it than keep trying to convince everyone of something they don't want to believe on. And it was easier for me too, it felt lighter on my soul. It relaxed my mind. It was the only way I found to let myself rest. And even though I knew It wasn't my fault, I learned that I could still learn from it. I learned never to make a mistake that would cause something like that. Because I'd be always double careful. My heart was only free to smile again when I heard that everyone involved was over it. Well, even though I wished it had never happenned....I could finally get over it too.